Rodney McKay's Greatest Challenge
by Sterenyk Strey
Summary: 'Rodney faced his greatest challenge ever. The baby on the makeshift changing table was one 21 inch long, 7lb, 6 oz newborn Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard.' Kid fic. Crack fic. In honor of Father's Day. Sorta kinda. Tee hee.


**RODNEY McKAY'S GREATEST CHALLENGE**

A/N - just a little silliness. I've been way too serious of late. ;-D

oooOOOooo

Rodney faced his greatest challenge ever. The tiny baby squalling away on the makeshift changing table was one 21 inch long, 7lb, 6 oz newborn John Sheppard. He was kinda cute, he conceded, for an instant rugrat. Much like the baby hamster Jeannie got for her sixth birthday when Rodney was eight. Reddish, with a tufty topknot. Mini-Sheppard grunted, strained, went red in the face, then after a quick shimmy somewhere down the pant leg of his erstwhile BDUs, the little bastard sighed, having dumped satisfactorily. It was beyond disgusting.

"Oh, godohgodohgodohgod! I never even once changed Madeline's diaper. This is obscene. Not something I care to see at any age. Ew! This is worse that when Torren made his entrance into the world. At least I could hand him over! He was grungy and sticky, mind you, not like this… this… "

"It's Madison."

"This is Sheppard! Gone wrong! I mean - whatever." Rodney rounded on Ronon. "Madison? How do you know? You don't know anything!"

"Sheppard told me once."

"Really? Just the once? Yeah, well, Sheppard is somewhat incapacitated right now, so as for corroborating that little snippet of misdirection, I highly doubt you are capable of - What am I saying? Teyla, you're a female. Sort of. Right? Help me out here! He's looking at me, like some kind of hatchling or something! Don't let him imprint on me!" Rodney squinched his eyes shut.

"I would assist you, Rodney, but it is probably best you take charge of him."

"What, he wouldn't bond with you? I've seen how he looks at you. Looked," he corrected with a snap of his fingers. "Can't you breastfeed him or something?" That earned Rodney a clip across the back of his head.

"Neanderthal! That was a valid point! Our commanding officer just turned into a baby! A freakin' baby! Babies do that kind of thing! You know," he fumbled, '"Feed?" Rodney made a vague figure eight gesture over his chest, jabbed a forefinger towards Teyla's breasts, then promptly withdrew his hand, only to chew nervously on a knuckle.

"I cannot! My breast milk has dried up. Torren is weaned, and has been for some six months. If it were possible to feed this child, believe me, I would."

Sheppard began to wail once more.

"What is it about the way your eyes are scanning the room and the fact you are shifting on the spot tells me otherwise? Hm? This 'child', as you put it, is. Our. Team leader," and he wafted a hand towards the tiny figure lost in a sorry tangle of standard issue uniform, "who happens to be… a baby. A baby boy. Boy? Oh, no!"

Rodney ducked, but he was too late. He was summarily struck in the eye by a spritz from the nether regions of the tiny, lithe body. A smile formed slowly on the face of Rodney's small charge, who squirmed in delight, and decided to poop again, accompanied by a typical lop-sided Sheppard grimace, followed by a volley of farts, and a satisfied grin.

"That is just disgusting! Sheppard, you so owe me. "

"It has happened to me many a time. Kanaan will also vouch for - "

"Y'know. Just - shut up! I still don't believe this is Sheppard. Sheppard doesn't have blue eyes. This is some kind of changeling. As for the hair - most babies have a shock of black hair. Madeline did, and she's now a strawberry blonde." Rodney balked at his emo insight into his one and only niece. "So did Jeannie," he lied. Jeannie was bald at birth. Mer was two years old, and quite aware of his surroundings, including the dreaded usurper, thank you very much.

"Rodney, many babies are born with blue eyes. And black hair. Torren's eyes were dark blue at birth, and now they are brown, and his hair is no longer black and spiky, but is currently brown and somewhat wavy with a myriad honey-colored highlights." Teyla acquired some kind of rapturous expression that made Rodney want to hurl.

"What is a changeling?"

"A mythological creature. Forget it. Forget I mentioned anything."

Rodney stared down at the baby boy with endless cowlicks and perfect elf ears. This was John Sheppard all right. Hm.

"I still don't get why you won't take care of him. You claim to be his, what, best friend?" Ronon snarled.

"Until we reverse the Ancient doohickey? You be his best friend! And you! And you!" Rodney jabbed a forefinger at Ronon, Teyla and Carson.

Teyla drew herself to full height, stiffened, and declared, "My son would undoubtedly be jealous of him. I do not wish to regale Torren with a sibling until he is much older." Teyla's chest heaved with a very deep sigh. "It is apparent he likes you very much, Rodney." She bent over the apparently now four-month old, and blew a raspberry into his bare tummy, eliciting a toothless chuckle.

"Aw. How can you resist that smile, in all honesty?" declared Carson, with a dimpled smile of his own.

"Easy. It's lopsided. And - just he peed all over me! Is that a sick Sheppard joke, or what?"

"Go, Sheppard!" Ronon high-fived the little tyke, and mini-Sheppard cooed, and blew bubbles even as Rodney frowned.

"Rodney, lad. You must remember. Focus. Every year of his life will pass within a day until he is restored to his true age. Such is the nature of the device, as far as we can ascertain."

"What, anti-ascension? Descension? What is it with these Ancients? Is this some evil device to test the patience of any given parental unit? What is the passage of time in any case?"

"Rodney, I told ya already. He's a wee bairn today. Tomorrow, a crawler, the day after - a toddler. Got it? Enjoy every moment. You might never get another opportunity to be a father, Enjoy John-John here while he's young. Consider yourself blessed."

"He's Sheppard. In rugrat form. What's to enjoy?"

Carson flashed a knowing look."Before he starts to talk? This is John Sheppard we're talking about here. He might say his first word at six months, aka any time now."

As if on cue, the tiny little boy that was once a strapping 40-something 175-lb Sheppard fixed his gaze on Rodney, flashed him a disarming smile, waved a chubby wristbanded fist, and uttered his first word since an ancient device temporarily turned his age back some forty years.

"Dada!"

Rodney was so screwed...


End file.
